Many people ignore these ‘early red flags’ in romance scams, says Harvard-trained psychologist

Most people want a romantic relationship that makes them feel seen, understood and accepted. Romance scammers exploit that desire, trying to manufacture a bond quickly so they can gain access to money or sensitive information.

As a clinical psychologist who has worked with couples and individuals for over a decade, I've seen some of the smartest people be deceived by well-honed tactics designed to lower their defenses.

Genuine intimacy is built slowly through consistent action, shared experiences and a willingness to be flawed and vulnerable. Scammers, on the other hand, rely on urgency, the performance of vulnerability and emotional shortcuts to get what they want.

Here are five signs you might be dealing with a scammer, and how to spot the difference between a real connection and calculated manipulation.

A common sign of emotional manipulation is a mismatch between the content of what someone says and their emotional delivery. To create a false sense of instant intimacy, scammers might prematurely disclose something deeply traumatic. Pay close attention to how they share it.

When someone genuinely opens up about something painful or challenging in their life, it usually coincides with some natural hesitation, vulnerability or awkwardness. With a scammer, the emotion might feel like an artificial layer they pasted onto a rehearsed script. They might appear way too comfortable, polished or even at ease when delivering such personal stories to someone they barely know.

You may be watching a performance designed to make you drop your guard and reciprocate. Because the disclosure is so heavy, many people feel guilty when doubt creeps in, so they will silence their concerns. But if something strikes you as inauthentic, listen to your gut.

A real connection requires time for a person to earn your trust and a place in your life. Manipulators, on the other hand, often push for exclusivity with urgency. They are quick to use labels like "soulmates" and employ tactics like future-faking, for example, talking about trips, moving in or having children together, within days or weeks.

This isn't someone who is swept up in passion. It's a strategic tactic used to bypass your critical thinking skills. They flood you with an emotional buffet of everything you've been starving for, through constant attention, intense communication, flattery and early grand declarations.

Through these actions, they induce an intense emotional high that makes you overlook inconsistencies, red flags or warning signs. If someone claims you're the love of their life before they even know what you're like on a bad day, they're much more likely to be operating from their own agenda.

Every relationship has its share of unexpected stressors, but with a manipulator, drama and emergencies are a core feature of their ploy. Specifically, the crises are always happening just out of your sight, so you can't necessarily verify them.

For example, their lack of consistency might be explained away by a last-minute canceled flight, a problem with their bank or a family emergency that requires immediate help.

Don't get sucked into these crises. Instead, focus on the pattern of the process. Each crisis conveniently prevents you from either meeting other people in their life, verifying their story or seeing them in normal, unscripted settings.

More importantly, they condition you to step into a rescuer role. They are trying to normalize your willingness to devote money and time to keep them afloat as some test of your loyalty and commitment to the relationship.

Healthy partners who want to create a genuine and lasting connection will want to bring you into their world. Over time, they'll introduce you to their family, friends, co-workers, gym routine, etc. Their ecosystem will feel full, and they'll take concrete steps to integrate you into it.

When someone is running a scam, their entire life feels just out of reach, almost like it's operating in a vacuum. They might keep you far away from the people who actually know them, offer vague or changing details about their work and background, or insist that you keep your relationship private.

Somehow they'll weaponize this privacy as a way of protecting the relationship and keeping what you have special. Secrecy is often the glue that keeps manipulation schemes together. If you can't see how they exist and operate in the world outside of their relationship with you, you're only seeing a curated aspect of them.

When someone sweeps you off your feet, is attentive and tells you everything you want to hear, it's easy to talk yourself out of what you know in your gut. Many people ignore early red flags because they don't want to seem cynical, paranoid or ungrateful. They want to believe in the love and connection that's being fostered.

Authentic relationships make you feel safe, calm and increasingly clear-headed over time. Manipulators will often leave you feeling anxious, confused and rushed. If you find yourself constantly rationalizing their behavior or explaining contradictions in their stories, pay attention.

Ultimately, the best way to protect yourself from being scammed is to refuse to skip the foundational steps that real trust is built on. In new relationships, slow down the pace, verify their lofty words with consistent action, and pay attention to whether their vulnerability feels lived-in or rehearsed. Genuine connection never requires you to abandon your basic gut instincts to prove your devotion.

Sabrina Romanoff is a Harvard-trained clinical psychologist, professor, and writer specializing in relationships, high-achievement, and anxiety, with a private practice in New York City. She has been featured in The New York Times, Forbes, Women's Health, USA Today, and on CBS and ABC. Follow her on Instagram @DrSabrinaRomanoff .

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